Why I haven’t blogged…

… is relatively simple – I’ve been in a pissed off, angry at the f-ing world mood. Stress is killing me… but I haven’t cut since the day I got fired from Relay, so I have actually accomplished SOMETHING positive, maybe?!

Clearing crap up with Relay on Monday wasn’t the best of all ways to start off my week, needless to say. I still have stuff to finalize, such as finding a way to keep my Aflac.

We got a record amount of rain this week where I live – a whooping 8inches in 24hrs, therefore causing the roads to flood like crazy! Sacking groceries in the rain is fun, except for dealing with wet glasses. The football stadium had 8inches of standing water in the bottom of it, which had to be pumped out before the game yesterday (of which Tech won!!!), and almost all of our tiny lakes around town are filled and overflowing. Many roads were flooded and some are still not completely drained down. They even cancelled school on Friday!

I was served with an eviction notice on my apartment on Wednesday, got it cleared up on Thursday, then paid it on Friday. This notice was found attached to my door, after I went to choir practice, which was an emotional and stressful experience in and of itself.

Sacking groceries has caused problems with my chronic pain. I have somehow sprained my left wrist (it might possibly be the RSD flaring), so it hurts to work. My ankle has also been giving me routine problems. I keep on getting scheduled as a sacker instead of a checker – not cool – and physically my body is giving out. I have had trouble sleeping because of the pain, which in turn has made me angry and irritable.

I started my new job this week, which has been a blessing, however is requiring me to depend heavily on faith. I love the job, yet I’m scared at the same time. I start it full time this week, tomorrow, and we shall see how things pan out. My boss told me he was paying me to be “the bitch”, so I’m not totally sure what to make out of that! I have the task of organizing and running the office part of the place, which I see as a challenge.

Made it to church this morning. I kept rather quiet, just very overwhelmed by everything that has happened over the last 2.5 weeks. We talked about blessings and giving praise. I kept on thinking about the Casting Crown’s song “Praise You In this Storm”. Found out a team is being formed for Race for the Cure, which is on October 4th. I’m going to join again this year and I’m pround to wear Vicki’s name on my back under Celebration! I found R. after church and found myself just opening up, saying things aloud for reasons I’m not totally sure… but I feel lighter now… as she was optimistic, which I needed to see and hear from her — I do trust her and respect her. I also got some much needed hugs this morning!

This evening, I am going to sit down and finalize my plans of what to enter into the Fair. I really want to make a cross, a red/white/blue wall cross and I know I want to finish my 12 color bedspread. I have an afghan in the shape of a star that looks incredible that I might enter as well, possibly some Christmas ornaments, and or whatever else I can come up with and hopefully find a category to enter. I might also make a Texas Tech pillow or possibly turn it into a purse or something… not sure… and that is what I will have to finalize this evening. This is a huge step and it makes me feel very vunerable to have my work out on display.

Oh, did I care to mention how I have been recovering from a case of the flu all week too???

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I have the gitters

My orthodontist appointment is at 740a and it has been raining all night. The busses shouldn’t be late, so I’m not panicing yet… I am just biting on my brackets AGAIN, have jaw pain, and my teeth are overly sensitive. Even my hygenist was concerned. I really want a new powerchain or simply have this one removed. I wonder what will happen to address my increasing overbite problem? I feel like my teeth are being pulled down too far – which is causing my teeth to hit brackets, which are already very low on my teeth. Will I get brackets repositioned today?? Huumm… I shall find out in less 3hrs! I need to do my hair in double braids today too because I’m Pocahontas!!! 😛

I meet with my supervisor at Relay at 10a. I haven’t seen her since April and I’m nervous. Things were rough for a while because I was angry. I WAS angry, I’m not anymore. I am really worried about her because she has been so sick. I don’t want her to compromise herself to meet with me, however I know I deserve the support and encouragement from my supervisor. I have survived a year with doom hanging over my head and I’m a good agent. I have earned a recommendation and I’m finally getting the courage to apply for new jobs, even though I haven’t really decided completely where and what I’ll be applying for — heck, I might even consider grad school! I don’t know and I’m nervous meeting with her. I have had only a week to really start considering my future because for the last year, I’ve been living in fear at that job. I’m finally a REAL AGENT again and I even made it as a “Top 20 Agent” for the second month in a row. I’m doing something right, but I’m still apprehensive about the meeting. I’ll find a way to get the afghan up to her by Wednesday at the latest, even if it means coming up in the middle of my sleep.

People at work yesterday were commenting about a mark on my hand. I told them I burned myself, just lied about how I burned myself. I wasn’t really thinking when I did it. It looks kinda nasty, but it is part of me. I’m not as strong as the outside of me wants to pretend. My shell is cracking and I am to the point where feeling shame for my self-inflicted stuff is foolish. Why feel shame for something I’m controlling and deciding to do? It just doesn’t make sense. I did what I had to do to get through it. I don’t owe anyone an explanation, even though the marks sometimes look rather obvious. It isn’t anyone’s business and if I want to share or elaborate or confide, then I will do so when I am ready.

I have lost some weight recently because I’ve been ill. I’m finally slimming down and I can slide into clothes I once could not ages ago. I’m not totally ready to wear my thinner clothes, but I can at least put them over my hips. This is triggering me. This is dangerously triggering me. My appetite is becoming controlled more by my brain rather than by my physical stomach. I know how to do live dangerously. It is so easy to starve sometimes and right now, getting over being ill and with my braces being tightened today – wow – why couldn’t someone just hand me an anorexia pill on a purple platter.

I’m gittery and nervous. Ok, I’m off to shower and braid my hair all pretty. Oh, I nervous…

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Thank you for the rain

I have not finished the afghan for my supervisor. It is pouring down rain and I can’t take an afghan out in the rain anyway, so it looks like I have an extra 24hrs to finish it. I’ll bring it up tomorrow night and then hopefully she’ll make it in either tomorrow or Wednesday or at least one more time before her surgery on Friday. If she doesn’t make it in, surely someone will call her and tell her she needs to “send someone up to Relay to fetch something” 🙂 I’ll be able to work on it a little bit this morning and then all afternoon/ evening/ tomorrow morning. I’ll get it done and it will be beautiful!

Rain and taking the bus doesn’t always mean delays, it just means I’ll more than likely get wet! My city has poor drainage systems, so the water just tends to sit around when it comes down heavily. It has been raining sometime since late evening and the weather says it should be raining pretty much on and off all day. We desperately need the rain and complaining would simply be foolish. The bus should be ontime and the rain appears to be lightening up around 6am anyway. Puddles don’t make the bus late, trains early in the morning tend to make the bus late! Roger will be my driver anyway and it really takes a disaster for that smiling gentleman to be late… he is such a sweetie and I haven’t seen him in ages because I haven’t taken the bus at this time in the morning in quite a while.

Rain also makes it easier for me to sleep. I got home around 4pm yesterday, goofed off and spent some time winding down – then headed to bed, well the couch anyway, and am just now really waking up. I’ll be up until I get home from work tomorrow afternoon around 2pm. Then I’ll be able to sleep, depending on the pain in my mouth, or sit and crochet until my heart feels full of the love which has been stitched into this beautiful afghan 🙂

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Thoughts going through my head today

My weight and food problems are getting a little crazy. My clothes just don’t fit. I am not motivated enough to exercise. I am not motivated to eat, but I do anyway. I also not motivated to purge… much… and well, these stupid braces… argh…

This morning would have been so easy to purge, puke. I kept on holding back and holding back and eventually I just fell asleep. GERD, stress, and allergies make purging easy.

I have this roll of skin on my tummy that urks me. I need to get off my butt and exercise. I sure wish crochetting burned more calories than it did…

Working on a new blanket and already have 1/3 of the squares done for it. Another left-over-yarn-blanket. This one is made of granny squares, 5 rounds each, 5in squares, and 11×14 in terms of total squares. Each square is edged in black to pull it all together. Right now, I just have bags of squares sitting in my living room and a clothes hamper full of yarn. I am debating whether or not to give this blanket away when it is finished.

It has rained a lot lately. God and His angels must be crying for our fallen world. We have literally had over 3inches of rain in the last 24hrs!! WOW!!! The wind, lightening, and thunder have made the nights frightening — my days and my work nights.

I adore getting off at 6am. Tomorrow is my first ever scheduled 10hr day and I am apprehensive, yet looking forward to it at the very same time. Long day, but shorter mornings… so it will all be worth it. I might even get to take some REAL CALLS??!? Stupid Facebook Sprint IP calls still need to go to hell, oh the misery of ignorance and boredom and drunk stupid idiots.

A friend of mine and I have decided to start learning some basic ASL. We are trying to put phrases together that we can use on the floor, like “Fart call” and “Fraudulent call” and other silly or serious phrases. Some callers are just FARTS, especially the prank kids.

My friend has her breast cancer surgery on Friday, right before Mother’s Day.

I can’t get into my ortho until next Monday and I am still biting on my brackets. I am also concerned because I have this funny arch in my top jaw that looks unnatural now. I feel like my front teeth are being pulled up and forward, giving me a thrusted facial appearance.

Found the link-up between my digital camera and computer — YAYAYA — I can take pictures now because I also found my batteries and charger.

Finances are still screwy and it will be another tight month, but I’ll make it. I made a huge purchase a few months ago that I haven’t taken full advantage of and I still have yet to file my taxes. I need to be a little more responsible and just get on a roll… letting things waste and not using them isn’t showing the value I place any investment… which is yet another reason I am working to use up my scrap yarn for good.

My sleep cycle is messed up. I tend to nap during the day, sometimes. Overall, I am just sleep deprived and scattered. My brain is on overload. Stress is getting to me – not sure how to cope now that I don’t give into my cutting impulses anymore… and it has been 17weeks since I last cut, too!

I am also finding that I miss some of my friends on the day-shift. I only see a few of them on Saturdays and I don’t work on Sundays, so I really do miss them. The night shift is small, which I like a lot, but I still miss some of my daytime friends.

Work has gone to hell in a hand basket. Our center manager is really making some serious mistakes. She is playing favorites and not following policy. Her days are numbered and she doesn’t even know it! Everyone wants her behind out of there because she has let everything go to her head, instead of acting rationally and professionally — it is as if she suddenly forgot what it is like to be an agent. She needs to be firm and loving, not a total bitch.

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Sleep and lack there of…

I slept on the couch today, instead of my bed, so I feel rather crummy. It rained all morning and now the angels in heaven are crying again. I am exhausted. Gratefully, I only have to work 6hrs again tonight because I just don’t know if I could work more.

My acid reflux kept me awake until noon. I don’t think I got enough restful sleep. I miss my bed.

I just don’t feel good. My head is stopped up. My head hurts and popping a rubber band didn’t help. I just feel sick – asthma, stomach, sinus, and stress. The stress is the most toxic, as it has started to eat me alive.

Alarm clock going off. I am too tired to turn it off… I am just too tired to do much of anything. I think I’ll make myself eat something before I go into work — at least then, I’ll be awake all night… even if by acid reflux. Garhh…

I need a hug and to be loved on…

Off to shower.

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Battles in my head…

I am hungry, my body is physically hungry.  I am nauseated beyong belief, but I got *great news last night* — I am my lowest weight I have been at in a couple of weeks.  This is so triggering and so encouraging, yet is probably dangerous news.

When I get stressed out, I often can’t handle eating anything.  That is where I am at right now.  Food repluses me and I dry heave and I am physically so hungry I ache all over.  Yes, I am actually this stressed out.  I would, however, rather have the stress go to my stomach than my head.  When it goes to my head I get bad migraines and I don’t need those right now.  The dry heaving I can handle, I think.

Anyway, I am doing a 5mile walk this weekend with a friend.  We are doing the Walk for Diabetes and I am excited and also petrified!  I think the shirt is short-sleeved, yet it should be rather cool this weekend, but I am also hopeful the shirt will be short-sleeved because then it will give me the opportunity to not be afraid of my scars in public.  I have not worn a short sleeve shirt in public in at least 3yrs!!  The person I am walking with I trust, so that is cool… but it still doesn’t take any of the intense emotion out of the equation.  The scars are still there and yes, I am still dry heaving.

One thing that is rather frightening to me is how I can literally be dry heaving, yet continue to type on the computer as if nothing is wrong whatsoever.  Yes, this is exactly what I am doing right now.  I assume the nausea and hunger has gotten so intense my stomach lining is drying out or something – GROSS.

I know I need to stay hydrated.  I know I am presently dehydrated.  I just didn’t “pee enough” at work today.  That sounds nasty and it is nasty and it is the truth.  I am dehydrated and I tend to stay dehydrated because it is “one of my things” with my stupid eating issues.  Dehydration is dangerous and I know better.  I am just not a drinker… I do it because I have to.  Anything into my body is rather distrubing… just like anything coming out of it is distrubing.  Eww, bodily fuctions.

I know I need to eat and build up my body because this walk on Saturday might just kill me.  I am scared to eat though.  I am scared to eat, yes, I am scared.  I am finally losing some weight and this person I haven’t seen since Christmas Eve.  I was lighter and thinner then.  I know my weight doesn’t matter to her – it matters to me.  I need the strength to walk the 5miles and not pass out.

I am anxious and there is a battle going on in my head.  When I get, I get even more nervous and stressed out.  I am afraid I will puke and the more anxious I get, the more I start feeling nausated.  It is a viscious cycle.

I am sitting here shaking.  I am starving.  My hands and feet are freezing.  My scale now says I have gained over 4lbs since I took my shower last night.  I had one 20oz Sprite and some fruit punch, yet no food.  I am not naked, so I expect my clothes to weigh around 1.5-2lbs.  Still, that is enough to make me not want to eat or to just binge on everything I have in my apartment and make REALLY be that FAT!!

When I restrict, I can’t sleep.

I just heard thunder outside, which is a beautiful sound.  It is actually overcast and maybe it will rain.  God and the angels can cry for me and the soil can get nourishment.  I wish I could cry like the clouds — maybe it would burn calories.  Sitting here freezing cold sure isn’t helping me and I can’lt sleep when I am cold, muchless hungry or nervous or stressed.  Thunder sounds amazing…

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