Feeling scattered

Back to faith again… writing about it has made me want responses on faith, so I have used some of my recent blog entries as the inspiration for some emails. I have needed responses to my thoughts and feelings on faith from those who know me outside of these written words. I have allowed myself to become vunerable in my emails, open and honest.

Physically I’m feeling sick today. The gluten-free diet has left me feeling empty, constantly hungry, and very nauseated. I even ran to the bathroom yesterday at work, ready to vomit. Gratefully I kept down my salad. I feel like I’m in ketosis, despite having carbs. I’m just very hungry and nauseated. Maybe I’m not drinking enough water because I’m thirsty too, almost as if I have an unquenchable thirst.

Had a rough night last night with my stomach, so I decided to not go into the law office. I’m ready to start, but I need to finish up a few things “here” – like responding to the emails I got back from the first round I sent on Sunday afternoon. Next week I’ll be going in every morning except for Thursday, as I have an orthodontist appointment. I’ll probably go in on Thursday afternoon to make up the hours. When I start at the law office, there is no turning back. I’m just not ready to make that full dedication yet. I’m distracted and I’m allowing myself to tread in the distraction for a little while longer.

I can think of a million things I should be doing right now: cleaning, sleeping, showering, flossing my teeth, and flolding my socks.

scattered into pieces…
I feel fragmented today
different little shards of me
some of me here and others there
dancing in dust
suspended by the prayers of others
held within the arms of God

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Starting over in 2009

Sometimes a sermon really gets to me and today I heard one of those sermons – it was straight to the point, no candy coating, and hit home in places I wasn’t quite ready to explore… yet I’m needing to explore… so I’m typing my thoughts out I can get a better grasp of them.

According to the sermon, these are the 4 steps I must follow:
1. Stop making excuses for my failures.
*This pretty much means to take responsiblity, complete responsiblity for my mistakes. I’m human and God made me this way and because of sin, I’m going to do the wrong things. I have to make the conscious decision to ask God to help me to do the right things and guide me.
*Another element of this has to do with not focusing on the past, rather to focus on the future. The past we cannot change, only learn from. It is where we go tomorrow and where we are going now that is more important than trying to fix what we have no control over because it is finished.
“A man who refuses to admit his mistakes can never be successful. But if he confesses and forsakes them, he gets another chance.” – Proverbs 28:13 (LB)
2. Take stock of my life.
*What exactly do I have left after my failure? Literally take an inventory of my life following the failure (What have I learned? What are my assets – who can I count on? Who can help me – accountablity/ friends/ support system?).
3. Act in faith.
*As humans, we are not always truthful to each other. My beliefs are not always based upon truth, neither are my experiences. The only thing that is based on truth is the Bible. I must challenge my beliefs against what the Bible says is true.
“According to your faith will it be done to you.” Matthew 9:29 (NIV)
4. Trust God to help me succeed.
*In order to do this, I must fully commit my life to Christ.
“‘You will not succeed by your own strength or power, but by My Spirit,’ says the Lord.” Zechariah 4:6 (NCV)

This past year has brought experiences I never could have imagined…
RANDOM: I got two new teeth “built” into my smile 🙂 I placed at the local fair in crochet. I worked the overnight shift for 6 months. I changed my cell phone company to Sprint, who I swore up and down the street I would never ever ever ever change to. Passed out on my first day at a new job. I voted for president in a historical election. Went back to church and found myself missing it when I wasn’t there…
CAREER: I lost my job of two years; took on a couple of others and learned lessons the hard way about where my boundaries were planted, and was then offered a job in a career field I once believed believed was out of my league (at least without additional education). I planned for graduate school, then passed it up again. I even interviewed for my first real job at a school, only to find out the position was “frozen” until further notice.
RECOVERY: Made it to over 200 days without cutting and then made it to over 70 one other time. I landed my backside in the ER, completely humbled, and scared out of my mind. I made it to a few AA Meetings, Celebrate Recovery Meetings, and even to a Celebration Meeting or two. I confessed my secret to friends who “already knew” and have only been blessed with their continual love/ support/ encouragement (even if from a “safe” distance for both of us). I have continued to work on accepting how people can touch me and not be touching my scars. I wore short sleeves out in public (at least once) and I bought a swimsuit for the first time in 10 years!
RELATIONSHIPS: Taking responsiblity for my actions is where I have seen the most growth in myself over the past year. I have thrown my fair share of temper tantrums, cried for days, and said things I wish I could take back – but I’ve coped better this year with relationships than I ever have before. Honesty, I have learned, is the only way in any relationship. If someone cannot handle the truth and is not willing to work through the truth, then the relationship isn’t worth saving. I can’t change others, only my reactions to others.
FAITH: I have spent most of this past year angry with God. However in the last few months, I have noticed my anger toward Him decreasing — it has been replaced by confusion, fear, and feelings of inadequacy. I don’t understand how God would love me – grace doesn’t make sense. The biggest question I have for God right now is why He chose to keep me on this Earth, when I had other plans… Why did He make me wake up? I lost a coworker to suicide at Christmas last year and it doesn’t make sense as to why God would take him, yet leave me here. I have never known how to handle death and death makes me angry. Life and death and how it relates to faith are dominating my spirit — to the point where I’m always thinking about it. My doubts and crazy thoughts/ beliefs/ perceptions in this area make me question my faith. I’m still learning how to pray… but I firmly believe now in the power of prayer.

The backbone of any change in my life has to be my faith, as I have noticed every other area of my life changing in direct correlation to how my faith has weakened or strengthened. I daily question whether or not I’m really “saved” and I don’t like questioning this, but I believe this has to do with how I can’t seem to wrap myself around the concept of love and grace…

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Why I haven’t blogged…

… is relatively simple – I’ve been in a pissed off, angry at the f-ing world mood. Stress is killing me… but I haven’t cut since the day I got fired from Relay, so I have actually accomplished SOMETHING positive, maybe?!

Clearing crap up with Relay on Monday wasn’t the best of all ways to start off my week, needless to say. I still have stuff to finalize, such as finding a way to keep my Aflac.

We got a record amount of rain this week where I live – a whooping 8inches in 24hrs, therefore causing the roads to flood like crazy! Sacking groceries in the rain is fun, except for dealing with wet glasses. The football stadium had 8inches of standing water in the bottom of it, which had to be pumped out before the game yesterday (of which Tech won!!!), and almost all of our tiny lakes around town are filled and overflowing. Many roads were flooded and some are still not completely drained down. They even cancelled school on Friday!

I was served with an eviction notice on my apartment on Wednesday, got it cleared up on Thursday, then paid it on Friday. This notice was found attached to my door, after I went to choir practice, which was an emotional and stressful experience in and of itself.

Sacking groceries has caused problems with my chronic pain. I have somehow sprained my left wrist (it might possibly be the RSD flaring), so it hurts to work. My ankle has also been giving me routine problems. I keep on getting scheduled as a sacker instead of a checker – not cool – and physically my body is giving out. I have had trouble sleeping because of the pain, which in turn has made me angry and irritable.

I started my new job this week, which has been a blessing, however is requiring me to depend heavily on faith. I love the job, yet I’m scared at the same time. I start it full time this week, tomorrow, and we shall see how things pan out. My boss told me he was paying me to be “the bitch”, so I’m not totally sure what to make out of that! I have the task of organizing and running the office part of the place, which I see as a challenge.

Made it to church this morning. I kept rather quiet, just very overwhelmed by everything that has happened over the last 2.5 weeks. We talked about blessings and giving praise. I kept on thinking about the Casting Crown’s song “Praise You In this Storm”. Found out a team is being formed for Race for the Cure, which is on October 4th. I’m going to join again this year and I’m pround to wear Vicki’s name on my back under Celebration! I found R. after church and found myself just opening up, saying things aloud for reasons I’m not totally sure… but I feel lighter now… as she was optimistic, which I needed to see and hear from her — I do trust her and respect her. I also got some much needed hugs this morning!

This evening, I am going to sit down and finalize my plans of what to enter into the Fair. I really want to make a cross, a red/white/blue wall cross and I know I want to finish my 12 color bedspread. I have an afghan in the shape of a star that looks incredible that I might enter as well, possibly some Christmas ornaments, and or whatever else I can come up with and hopefully find a category to enter. I might also make a Texas Tech pillow or possibly turn it into a purse or something… not sure… and that is what I will have to finalize this evening. This is a huge step and it makes me feel very vunerable to have my work out on display.

Oh, did I care to mention how I have been recovering from a case of the flu all week too???

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Blessing and a curse

I made it to church today because I figured if I was going to work my feet into the ground, the least I could was walk on them into the place where I knew God could reach me. I cried the entire service.

I go to a Life Group with all adults and all of these adult-adults have kids, mostly teenagers. Yes, I’m 20yrs younger than everyone in there… but I first attended this group because two of the members are connected with Celebrate Recovery. I didn’t want to be alone, so I followed them in there and have stuck around — despite sticking out like a sore thumb sometimes. Today we talked about “Understanding”, understanding in terms of understanding God and God with us… then applied it to our lives, with the primary example being with parents and children understanding each other. I don’t have my own children, but I sure have my own parents and my parents and I do not understand each other in the least!

The conversation of understanding made me think of acceptance and how acceptance is the critical first step to understanding. Understanding means we process things, while acceptance means we learn to deal with what we are given (not necessarily agree or disagree). God accepts us where we are and we need to learn to accept others where they are too, then we can grow to understand.

I tend to keep a low profile at church. I have been hurt too many times in churches and even some at this church. Sometimes, like today, I let a little bit of myself *slip*… and started sharing about my family. Someone came up to me today and we spoke for the first time and we exchanged tears – someone I wasn’t expecting – she had always been friendly to me in class, but I hadn’t really been open to much of anyone in the Life Group (minus what the members of Celebrate Recovery knew about me from that context). It was an honest conversation and I feel better, I don’t feel like cutting.

I cried and literally sobbed this morning at church and I lost my job 7days shy of 2yrs – with the same company – the longest I had ever held the same job for because this is the first time in my life I have not moved since being old enough to hold a job. I moved here because of this job and now I don’t have it. I lost my medical insurance, my life insurance, and my stability. It was the job, despite how little it paid, that paid my bills. The conditions were bad, yet I endured. I have always enjoyed working for a non-profit and Relay is a non-profit that reaches people all over the United States.

I cried and literally sobbed this morning at church because a hurricane is threatening my friends – my family – in New Orleans… the SECOND HURRICANE in the last 3yrs and I’m scared. The memories of Katrina haunt me and I feel guilty because I don’t live there anymore and because I’m not in a position where I can help them right now. Georges didn’t wipe us out when I lived there, yet Katrina came through and did the deed — now Gustav is threatening to do the same all over again, despite there being little physically left.

I cried and literally sobbed this morning at church because I don’t know what to do anymore. Relay was part of my identity, at least the one I allowed myself to develop. I’m scared about what will happen if I don’t find another job soon enough… my finances. I’m so broken and I feel so alone. I’m afraid to reach out. I’m ashamed to reach out because others need more help than I do right now. I’m scared.

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