Distance

I need distance right now. I’m in a “freak out mode” and I’m feeling myself lock up within my skin. I’m not able to respond to what my sponsor has posted in response to things I have posted… and I don’t feel as though I can write to her about what is going through my head. I don’t want to burden her and I don’t know if being completely and utterly honest right now is what needs to happen — so I’m slightly running away this week and hoping she doesn’t notice.

This week is really hard because of some stuff that happened a year ago, stuff she doesn’t know about… and stuff I’m not totally ready to share with her yet… and stuff that would probably freak her out, not to mention freak me out if I were to try and talk about — as it is all selfish crap and sad crap and loads of other crap.

I’m struggling with boundaries.

I’m urging like crazy and I’m in the mindset of just cutting it all out. I am in the mindset of cutting and not telling her or anyone else for a while. I want to go back into my little cove and hide and pretend everything is fine. I used to be able to handle living and self-injury at the same time and could reasonably function. I know how to cut and not need stitches. I know how to cut and not need attention. I know how to cut and not tell anyone. I know how to go back to being invisible and just “existing”… and I’m so close to just doing that and saying FUCK IT to the consequences. I’m not strong enough for recovery and I don’t want to pretend I am. I don’t want to have to turn to self-injury, but I can’t just sit and stew with my feelings and emotions and thoughts and realities.

AA is helping yes, but I’m not strong enough and part of me is just thinking I need to be thrown in some mental hospital and tied down for a while.

My sponsor will leave me this time because I will push her away… and give her more than what she can handle. I’m angry.

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Why I haven’t blogged…

… is relatively simple – I’ve been in a pissed off, angry at the f-ing world mood. Stress is killing me… but I haven’t cut since the day I got fired from Relay, so I have actually accomplished SOMETHING positive, maybe?!

Clearing crap up with Relay on Monday wasn’t the best of all ways to start off my week, needless to say. I still have stuff to finalize, such as finding a way to keep my Aflac.

We got a record amount of rain this week where I live – a whooping 8inches in 24hrs, therefore causing the roads to flood like crazy! Sacking groceries in the rain is fun, except for dealing with wet glasses. The football stadium had 8inches of standing water in the bottom of it, which had to be pumped out before the game yesterday (of which Tech won!!!), and almost all of our tiny lakes around town are filled and overflowing. Many roads were flooded and some are still not completely drained down. They even cancelled school on Friday!

I was served with an eviction notice on my apartment on Wednesday, got it cleared up on Thursday, then paid it on Friday. This notice was found attached to my door, after I went to choir practice, which was an emotional and stressful experience in and of itself.

Sacking groceries has caused problems with my chronic pain. I have somehow sprained my left wrist (it might possibly be the RSD flaring), so it hurts to work. My ankle has also been giving me routine problems. I keep on getting scheduled as a sacker instead of a checker – not cool – and physically my body is giving out. I have had trouble sleeping because of the pain, which in turn has made me angry and irritable.

I started my new job this week, which has been a blessing, however is requiring me to depend heavily on faith. I love the job, yet I’m scared at the same time. I start it full time this week, tomorrow, and we shall see how things pan out. My boss told me he was paying me to be “the bitch”, so I’m not totally sure what to make out of that! I have the task of organizing and running the office part of the place, which I see as a challenge.

Made it to church this morning. I kept rather quiet, just very overwhelmed by everything that has happened over the last 2.5 weeks. We talked about blessings and giving praise. I kept on thinking about the Casting Crown’s song “Praise You In this Storm”. Found out a team is being formed for Race for the Cure, which is on October 4th. I’m going to join again this year and I’m pround to wear Vicki’s name on my back under Celebration! I found R. after church and found myself just opening up, saying things aloud for reasons I’m not totally sure… but I feel lighter now… as she was optimistic, which I needed to see and hear from her — I do trust her and respect her. I also got some much needed hugs this morning!

This evening, I am going to sit down and finalize my plans of what to enter into the Fair. I really want to make a cross, a red/white/blue wall cross and I know I want to finish my 12 color bedspread. I have an afghan in the shape of a star that looks incredible that I might enter as well, possibly some Christmas ornaments, and or whatever else I can come up with and hopefully find a category to enter. I might also make a Texas Tech pillow or possibly turn it into a purse or something… not sure… and that is what I will have to finalize this evening. This is a huge step and it makes me feel very vunerable to have my work out on display.

Oh, did I care to mention how I have been recovering from a case of the flu all week too???

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More about self-injury and ME… (graphic)

I’m not proud of the fact that I hurt myself intentionally. In fact, I hate the fact I do this to myself. It not only hurts my physical being, but my mental and spiritual – not to mention every cut with my razor blade takes a slice out of my emotional stablity, making me even more frayed and scattered.

I have scars everywhere. Some have faded, some still dominate my skin boundary, while others never lasted more than the time it took them to heal away. I hate my scars because they remind me of the pain I couldn’t articulate, couldn’t express, and didn’t know how else to feel except by physically transferring it into my skin – to be physically remembered, yet I can hardly remember the emotions behind most of my scars and marks. For me, I think the marks that never lasted are the ones I worry about the most — the deep bruising of my insides, of my bones, and of my spirit. I once left a bruise on my forehead, right in the center, that I had no choice but to cover up with make up. I’m disgusting.

I don’t show my marks. In fact, I go out of the way to hide them. I hate showing my scars and most of my scars stay so hidden, I can pretend they aren’t there when the weather allows everyone else to dress like me 🙂 I only recently started wearing capri pants, which show marks on my legs that are very faded. I have two dominating scars on my left hand, which are self-injury marks, but very few people know what they are from. The rest of my scars you don’t see because I hide them carefully.

I intentionally hide myself from others. I have had very negative responses when I have spoken about what I have done to myself to help myself stay alive. It is hard to wrap the mind around, how someone could possibly do this to themselves… it doesn’t make sense, yet I seem to do it and continue to do it… and it isn’t something that can be stopped directly, necessarily. You can’t just strap my arms and legs down to a bed and watch me squirm because I’ll just bite my tongue into two pieces just to prove that YOU can’t control my pain.

Self-injury is very much about control for me – it is how I control myself, my immediate surroundings, my feelings, my expressions, my pain. Self-injury is about CONTROL of self, not of others. I don’t use it to manipulate and I have proven this with my persistence to hide myself from others. Recently and only very recently have I started speaking about my personal experiences with it. This isn’t about others, it is about me. Who I tell and how I tell people is part of what I control, at least what I have tried to control… but I can’t control how others respond to what I share, only my response to how they respond to me.

No I don’t want to continue doing these behaviors for the rest of my life but I won’t have the rest of my life if I can’t get through these moments right now. Everything else is failing me and I know self-injury works. It allows me to have a FALSE SENSE OF CONTROL. I know in my heart and mind it is merely false, but this is one FALSE thing I believe in – it works – it has the placebo effect with me, yes, and it works!

I can’t totally stop hurting myself right now because if I do, I will be left with a void in my life. That void has nothing to fill it. Friends, family, recovery, work, writing, crochet, community service… nothing fills it because nothing is the right shape — self-injury is my coping mechanism and the only thing that can truly replace it is a support system, that not only forgives but also loves and doesn’t judge. A support system is a combination of things and people and circumstances that work together with me to help me remain safe. I don’t have this right now, so self-injury is uncomfortably in place.

I’m angry. I’m pissed off. I am feeling a wide variety of things right now. I hate self-injury and I how it has ruined my life, but I’m also grateful it has prolonged my life — as it has saved me from suicide more than once. Now as time passes, the scars aren’t going away and nothing is changing… the reasons I hurt myself to begin with, ages and ages ago, are still there. Time doesn’t change that which does not understand time.

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My biggest problem is…

… myself.

Blaming myself is easy and it is something I am very good at, even though it is not a fair thing to do – muchless a realistic one. I am not the center of the universe and the world does not revolve around me.

My world revolves around my interactions, responses, and interpretation of my environment. This does not mean I am in control of anyone or anything, not even myself, because according to basic recovery principles — I have no control, it belongs to God.

I can’t control other’s reactions. I can’t control who loves me and who hates me and what people think of me.

All of this lack of control just makes me want to cut myself into oblivion. I can control how much I cut and how much I hurt. NO ONE can take the pain of self-injury away from me and no one can give it to me. I deserve to hurt.

This all makes me angry.

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Going into another 14hrs…

Something has to give. My body sure can’t anymore. My weight is at its highest in a long time. I can’t control my eating, as I always fill hungry and always feel empty. This constant eating hurts my stomach, yet it never feels full enough for comfort.

Exercise should help. I am getting new shoes tomorrow after work. I bought a couple of pairs of pants last night, one of which I accidently bought in the wrong size (meaning the size I used to wear). I guess that pair will be used for encouragement or something, dunno. I refuse to go out and buy all new clothes just because I have become too lazy to take care of my body like it needs to be taken care of.

I suppose the reason I don’t take care of my body is because I don’t believe I am worth it.
My self-confidence is so low I can hardly dig it up, even with a search light.
I hate myself, even though I am starting to embrace my new smile… hehe…
I lack the love for myself I need to have in order to become successful.
Personal motivation is low.
I have these incredible dreams, but lack the steam to do more than sleep with them.
I can’t even sleep on them without waking up.
Sleeping makes the world go away, but it isn’t stable any longer.
My hair is sure pretty and healthy, so hopefully that will make someone happy.
I can’t please others enough – I can’t please myself enough.

I barely got sleep yesterday either. I spent the morning hyped up on caffeine, then talked with someone on the phone for about an hour mid-day. I have found another Celebrate Recovery class starting back up at a church within walking distance of my apartment. I was too exhausted last night to attend, but was told I would still be welcome in the future. I plan to go next week. This group is less organized and less structured. I need something and this might be helpful at helping me finding my boot straps.

I have a job interview at the supermarket on Monday afternoon. This is hopeful. I want to work directly with people. The sucky part will be how I will have to go out and buy bigger clothes to wear because I don’t have any pants that fit. I have gained just a little too much weight, so I suppose this might give me more motivation to drop the round belly fat I have let myself accumulate.

Tonight is our night-time supervisor’s last night. He is going back to being an agent because of all of the shit hitting the fan at work… which is depressing. He has been so discouraged lately. To make matters worse, he will be going from all overnights, to all days, in just a matter of 48hrs. He has been on overnights for almost a year now. The pay overnight for his position isn’t worth the hell the position faces, not to mention the lack of support from other staff. Agents are all wondering who will be applying for the position — some of us even wonder if ANYONE will apply! The position isn’t worth the low pay and conditions. You make more as an agent than you do on staff in most circumstances.

The center manager came in last night on the overnight. Seeing her made my stomach hit my throat and made me choke a little. Then she handed me a little card saying I made “May’s Top 20 Agent List” — then I almost crapped myself! I haven’t seen my supervisor in almost 2months, feel like I don’t even have a direct supervisor, receive no feedback whatsoever, and I am one of the people raising hell with corp and I still get this?!!? I don’t know what to make of this…

I have been so stressed out this week I haven’t touched the afghan for the competition. I could just tie my fingers up with yarn right now – I lack motivation and umpth.

I have written some poetry this week. Writing it has felt amazing… and it feels natural.

Ok, I am just rambling now. I need to shower, get to the store and get some tea for tonight, and figure out what I want to bring to keep me busy for my 14hr shift.

I’ll try and update tomorrow…
sk ga

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