Quick lunch – not eating – blah

I came home on lunch rather than sitting in the break room. My mind is spinning, my thighs feel fat, and I’m starving. I’m doing pretty well with the no gluten and no soda’s while at work; water is even going down easier. Quiet time hasn’t really happened much besides listening to music here and there — I guess writing emails on faith to close friends counts though 😉

Found out today that I get to train in “Price Coordination” next week at the grocery store, which has me feeling happy. They want to cross-train two of us in how it works in case the two main ladies aren’t there. I’m really excited! I have been checking/ sacking for nearly 6months and it feels great knowing I’ll be able to move up a little! I train next week during the day, which means I’ll have less time to shadow at the law office. Shadowing isn’t paying my bills and once January 12th rolls around, my whole life will revolve around the law office and the training there – it will all have to balance out.

I’m going to come home and exercise this evening after work. I’ll grab my iPod, change into shorts and a tshirt, then hit the treadmill for a while. I can’t push myself too far, as I still have work in the morning. My RSD is up and down, so there is no telling exactly how much exercise I’ll get through without causing unnecessary pain. I can’t depend on exercise or diet alone – I have to combine the two and take it slow.

One of my coworkers at the grocery store lost his sister in a tragic accident over the weekend. All of the passengers were teenagers and all were drinking. The oldest person was 15 and the legal age for driving where I live is 16. I’m angry about this because I see how it impacting my friends at work — many of them went to school with her and we all know her brother, who has since gone missing. I don’t handle death and now I’m being forced to deal with it AGAIN. My coworkers are grieving because they lost a classmate/ friend/ sister. They lost her out of stupidity! I’m angry about this and I wish there was something that I could do… but I feel helpless right now.

My brain is physically spinning around inside of my head. My stomach is hitting my throat because I’m hungry. I feel like I’m going to gag or vomit, with my state of dehydration not helping much… despite drinking lots of water.

It’s New Year’s Eve, I’m alone… AND I have to work at 930a tomorrow.

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Some realistic goals for 2009

I wrote earlier on faith, which felt liberating. After writing here, I then had enough of my cobwebs out to compose a heartfelt and honest email on faith to a friend — now all I must do is await her reply.

Anyhow, I didn’t really speak of any specific goals last time because… well… it wasn’t really the most appropriate time to share. Now, after a nap and a great conversation with another friend, I believe I’m ready to start proclaiming some of my goals to myself.

I’m making goals, not resolutions.
1. Ask for paper sacks, rather than plastic, when I go grocery shopping. If the store does not have plastic sacks, bring in my own bag or don’t buy more than what I can carry out using my backpack and or arms.
2. Drink more water. My daily goal is to approximately half of my physical weight per day in ounces.
3. Reduce my soda pop intake, starting out by drinking no soda at work. Diet drinks are okay, but I’m not allowed to drink any soda while working (unless feeling ill).
4. Eliminate caffeine from my diet, minus what is naturally occuring in some teas and chocolate.
5. Floss my teeth everyday!
6. Schedule my “quiet time” and keep it a priority.
7. Go “gluten-free” in an attempt to better control my RSD.
8. Exercise some everyday.
9. Continue the recovery process for self-injury…
10. Compete in the State Fair next summer in crochet!

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New new new new new

I quit the new job at the call center.
Took the job at the print shop.
Still work at the grocery store.
Changed my orthodontist appointment.
Having strong eating disorder thoughts.
My new job leans on my faith.
Haven’t cut in almost 2 weeks.
Struggling to sleep through the night.
I’m thankful for Spooky being back in my life.
Overwhelmed, tired, and exhausted.
Talked with someone about orthodontics today – an adult.
I’m going to get at least one hug tonight 🙂
Oh, yes… and I’m going to choir practice tonight.

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2 Years

I moved into my apartment 2yrs ago.
I started the job I no longer have, 2yrs ago.
I was skinny 2yrs ago.
I was relieved 2yrs ago.
I had a roommate 2yrs ago.
I was hopeful 2yrs ago.

I’m still in the same apartment now.
I no longer have the same job.
I’m really FAT now.
I am scared to death now.
I live alone, again, now.
I am fearful of the future, now.

I have braces now.
I work at a grocery store too!
I am a text freak on my cell phone.
I now keep a blog and faithfully update it.
I don’t cut myself nearly as much.
I have lasting friendships.
Graduate school is around the corner.
I go to church now because I want to.
I stand up for myself a lot more now.
The relationship with my family is still strained.
I don’t get nearly enough hugs for survival.
I’m much more honest with others and myself.
I have been on television a couple times.
I crochet now and love it!

I am still alive.

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Sleeping nights

I am still trying to get used to it being acceptable for me to be tired at night. I have worked night for 6months and now I am back to working days, at least attempting to work days. I somehow lost a full day somewhere, as today “feels like” it should be Sunday – it’s Saturday.

Still really struggling with what has happened this past week.
Still have trouble telling people, shame is now overwhelming me.
I went out fighting, but still I feel shame.
Fear of what is around the next corner, not faith.
Still coping mostly on myself, not with others, ouch.
Not sure how to tell other people.
No more swimming without a long-sleeve shirt.
I can’t do anything right if I can’t even keep a stupid job.
I really just want to cry on someone’s shoulder.

I’m hard core dieting again. This time, counting calories and counting exercise. I’m not doing it the healthiest of ways, but I’m doing it anyway. I gained 20lbs working nights and I am determined as ever to get back down to my cute little thinner self — there is no cost greater than trying to buy new clothes, mentally and financially. Exercise and calories will make me thin, plus thin thoughts here and there. The trick is trying to maintain my energy level, which is already proving to be a challenge. So far, I have dropped about 5lbs (probably water weight).

Working another 8 today, but split. I have 2.5hrs between shifts and they are both checking shifts. Next week’s schedule is totally messed up for various reasons – humbug.

I want to rebell, I want to scream and shout, I want to expose the hell hole I once worked in. I want to reveal REALITY RELAY. Someone needs to do something about that place because obviously I was kicked to the curb before I could do any change worth taking note of. Even though I am gone, I want to fight for those who are still there… justice must be served! I went down fighting and now I’m fighting from behind the fence around the prison. I want to make things better for those I love who are still stuck working there. They deserve better, just like I knew I did, and I don’t want them to continue to be humilated and discriminated against. The racism will stop there and better working conditions must prevail!!!

Church is tomorrow and I’m apprehensive, as always. Last week I hid from everyone and pushed away someone who is sometimes my friend, sometimes not my friend. Not sure if we are friends this week or not, as she never returned my email from over a week ago… how rude. In one of the last emails she sent, she made it very clear we are to speak of nothing together — so even exchanging a “hello” feels wrong — therefore I believe our friendship ended when that wall was built. I just wish she could have ended it more directly instead of using God as an excuse.

Must do laundry, then head into work. My teeth desperately need flossing, despite me not eating much. The corn and tuna from today and yesterday are probably making little houses between my teeth. I can feel the corn around my powerchains and up and in my brackets, yuck.

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Jet-lag

I haven’t been writing or responding to comments – muchless been reading other people’s blogs, so don’t take it too personally. I haven’t been sleeping either. I haven’t been doing much besides spinning my mental wheels. It is taking a lot out of me to even sit down and attempt to write on here today – I’m honestly not in the mood.

Job interview yesterday for a REAL job, career related. Now I play the waiting game, as my thank-you cards have been sent and all of my references are waiting by their telephones. I will still keep my job at the grocery store if I get this career job.

I still don’t want to think or talk about what happened at work last Friday. I still have that job, but I haven’t been back. I’m creating this sense of physical space from there so I can attempt to clear my head. I hate that place and it is bringing me down. It’s depressing to physically be there, however the service is invaluable… but it is getting me nowhere. I also refuse to be bullied anymore. They can take their little microphones and headsets and conveniently sit on them with their butts open.

I have decided to start graduate school – Winter Term – and get my Master’s in Special Education. I’m not putting it off any longer. I am ready to go back to school, yes I am really ready to do this.

My right wrist hurts. I think I’m getting carpal tunnel. I have afghans to finish, so this can’t be happening. Denial doesn’t make the pain go away though… so I’m not quite sure what I am going to do. I have the one to finish for my ortho’s office and I have some I am going to enter into the Fair. My wrist hurts, damnat!

I’m starting a new diet that consists mainly of diet soda and powerade.

I met this guy that I work with and we exchanged numbers. He is kinda cute, rather charming. He is someone to talk to and is in graduate school at Tech. I hardly ever see him, but he came up to me the other day at work and started talking – small talk – it felt comfortable. I don’t have many friends PERIOD, so our couple of conversations have felt right.

Patience has never been my greatest virtue and is a pain in the ass to practice.

Right now, I have no concept of day or night. The sun shining does not make it day or night to my body clock. I’ve been flipping things around this week so I can start swimming, instead of slowly drowning. I am really in a “fuck off” mood.

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Randomness

– I think, well I hope I think, I have come up with the dreamest afghan to enter the local fair with. The pattern is complicated, yet simple in technique (except for the detailing), and is culturally significant. The theme is relative to the community right now and I believe it will stand out not only for quality, but for originality and beauty.

– I had a genuine connection with someone today, which brought me to tears. I let down my walls in a way I didn’t know I had let them down and that “someone” has seen a side of me she didn’t know existed… the side of me where my scars don’t matter.

– Eating lots of sour candy will burn your mouth and tongue! Sour Patch Kids are safe to eat with braces and are yummy yummy to my tummy 🙂 My whole mouth feels like it has little cuts all over it, reminding me of when I first got braces over 9months ago – haha!!

– I really need to floss my teeth, at least I feel like I need to floss them.

– Sleep deprivation has been the activity I have been engaging in the most lately.

– I’m starting another diet tomorrow.

– I am dreading renewing my lease on my apartment.

– I am scheduled for 19hrs next week, but none as a checker… they are all SACKER HOURS! My ankle is going to rebel, not to mention the hours are MORNING HOURS!! However, my boss finally listened to the part of my request referencing my ability to only work 3-4hr shifts as a sacker. I work Monday through Friday.

– I found a job I might be applying for and it is at a school. I haven’t been in the schools in two years, I miss it, but I’m apprehensive about applying. I need to apply, just for me.

– I still haven’t gone swimming for real this summer and it looks like I probably never will.

– I want to settle down and start my life… and possibly have a family. I want to start opening myself up to the idea of having more than a friendship with a guy, even though I dream of marrying my best guy friend 😉

– I have Sponge Bob Square Pants sparkly blue bubble gum toothpaste in my purse, a purple toothbrush, and Impala elastics.

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