I’m in a bad mood today. I woke up feeling dread and for some reason could not shake it, even at church. I sat and cried.
I was supposed to give my sponsor my self-injury tools this morning. I brought them with me and then didn’t have the courage to approach her after church and give them to her. I wasn’t outwardly avoiding her, yet I wasn’t exactly being assertive about the whole situation either. I promised her, myself, and God that I would give her my tools — but I don’t feel ready. I cannot begin to describe the feeling of sitting next to razor blades and a knife at church… it makes me shiver.
Today I have struggled with feelings of self-worth. I want to punish myself. I want to cut myself not to cope, but to punish myself for things I’ve done wrong.
I sat in fear all morning that if someone touched me that I would break down into tears. I didn’t want to be hugged or touched at all – I wouldn’t even shake hands with people. I sat by myself and cried today.
Conversation will take place when I hand over my tools. I’m not ready for conversation just yet. I knew I would cry and maybe not even stop crying if I tried to give the tools to my sponsor today. I felt dirty for carrying them with me to church. I’m not ready to give them up just yet, despite how much I know I need to give them up. I’m still fighting and I’m not ready to surrender everything.
Not sure if I should comment or not, but I’ve been reading for a while and feel like I should at least let you know that I am here. I don’t remember how I came across your blog, but I want you to know that I am struggling with giving my tools away too, and even though I am not you and don’t know your exact feelings, what you have written and often write parallels with the struggles that I have. So, from a fellow struggler – someone who struggles with their relationship with God, with self-injury, with getting help and helping myself – I’m reading and praying that you find courage and joy in something today even if it is something small.