It has been one hell of a past three weeks and now I’m almost not sure what to do because well, it appears as though fertility is my latest trigger – actually, it has to do with the blood my body is passing as result of me not getting pregnant this month. I cannot stand the sight of blood, the smell of blood, the talk of blood or bandages, or anything. They all make me want to vomit, especially seeing and smelling and feeling my own physical blood. Now my vagina is bleeding because it’s healthy and I am feeling like I could fall off the edge at any moment.
I got stitches three weeks ago in my arm. I totally fucked up and landed my behind in the ER. I then cut myself the day I got my initial bandage off and then the following day. I have been cut free for the last 19 days only by the grace of God. I have attended two AA meetings, two Celebrate Recovery meetings, and one Celebration meeting in the last three weeks. I have not missed a Sunday at church either. I have accepted the fact the next time that I slip up might be my last, as I could have died three weeks ago yesterday or within the 4 days following my major fuck-up. More happened than what I will disclose and I’m still not perfectly sure all of what happened, as my memories are foggy and the friends I have left following the incident are only sharing bits and pieces of information with me as time progresses.
Now I’m bleeding from my vagina. I’m playing the “5 Minute Game” more frequently than the “15 Minute Game” and I feel like every fucking second is hell. I must win and I must give God my scars. My scars are powerless, just as I am powerless over my ability to control my tendencies to do the wrong thing.
My only chance at beating self-injury is through Christ with the support of other believers who are also in recovery. I need people to support me and I need to learn how to ask others to support me. This means I might also have to teach others how to support me properly. Don’t let me become dependent on you, but let me depend on you.
Recovery is a journey and the map is not the same for everyone. The only one who knows where I will go next is God and I must surrender to Him as many times as it takes in order to be with Him. I can’t continue to hurt myself and be with God — self-injury will keep me from Him, but my scars will not keep Him from me.
Wow, beautifully and sadly written. i am so sorry you are having so much trouble with the cutting lately…believe me, i know where you are coming from…i have more scars than i can count and have to fight off the urge to cut almost daily. My last bad cutting “earned” me a bunch of stiches and 10 day psych inpatient…that’s right-10 days…and that’s only because my insurance ran out…ha. How do you manage to stay out of the hospital when you have to get stiches?
My thoughts and prayers are with you