I am still trying to get used to it being acceptable for me to be tired at night. I have worked night for 6months and now I am back to working days, at least attempting to work days. I somehow lost a full day somewhere, as today “feels like” it should be Sunday – it’s Saturday.
Still really struggling with what has happened this past week.
Still have trouble telling people, shame is now overwhelming me.
I went out fighting, but still I feel shame.
Fear of what is around the next corner, not faith.
Still coping mostly on myself, not with others, ouch.
Not sure how to tell other people.
No more swimming without a long-sleeve shirt.
I can’t do anything right if I can’t even keep a stupid job.
I really just want to cry on someone’s shoulder.
I’m hard core dieting again. This time, counting calories and counting exercise. I’m not doing it the healthiest of ways, but I’m doing it anyway. I gained 20lbs working nights and I am determined as ever to get back down to my cute little thinner self — there is no cost greater than trying to buy new clothes, mentally and financially. Exercise and calories will make me thin, plus thin thoughts here and there. The trick is trying to maintain my energy level, which is already proving to be a challenge. So far, I have dropped about 5lbs (probably water weight).
Working another 8 today, but split. I have 2.5hrs between shifts and they are both checking shifts. Next week’s schedule is totally messed up for various reasons – humbug.
I want to rebell, I want to scream and shout, I want to expose the hell hole I once worked in. I want to reveal REALITY RELAY. Someone needs to do something about that place because obviously I was kicked to the curb before I could do any change worth taking note of. Even though I am gone, I want to fight for those who are still there… justice must be served! I went down fighting and now I’m fighting from behind the fence around the prison. I want to make things better for those I love who are still stuck working there. They deserve better, just like I knew I did, and I don’t want them to continue to be humilated and discriminated against. The racism will stop there and better working conditions must prevail!!!
Church is tomorrow and I’m apprehensive, as always. Last week I hid from everyone and pushed away someone who is sometimes my friend, sometimes not my friend. Not sure if we are friends this week or not, as she never returned my email from over a week ago… how rude. In one of the last emails she sent, she made it very clear we are to speak of nothing together — so even exchanging a “hello” feels wrong — therefore I believe our friendship ended when that wall was built. I just wish she could have ended it more directly instead of using God as an excuse.
Must do laundry, then head into work. My teeth desperately need flossing, despite me not eating much. The corn and tuna from today and yesterday are probably making little houses between my teeth. I can feel the corn around my powerchains and up and in my brackets, yuck.
