I tried, some success

I put on my bathing suit last night and went out to the pool. It was barely daylight and the pool was empty. It was really hard to do… harder than I imagined. I kept on feeling like I needed to throw up.

Someone upstairs had their door open, so it was extra hard. I think I stayed in for all of maybe 10minutes – I can’t remember – I lost track of time.

Spent the first part just sitting there with my feet in the pool and it felt really strange – mentally it was an even bigger challenge. I finally took off my long-sleeve shirt and got in. I couldn’t handle walking out of my apartment in just my swimsuit and a towel with flip-flops.

Not really sure what to make of the experience except for it being something bigger than mind over matter. I’m not ready yet. I need support… I just can’t do this around myself and people I can’t see looking at me or making comments. I need more privacy, more intimacy, more control over the situation.

The scars bother me a lot. I can’t make them go away, I can only stop myself from making new ones. Going swimming triggered me last night and I found myself urging a lot, so I played on the BUS forums for a good hour or so… just posting and posting and posting and attempting to distract myself. Made it through another night without cutting though, so that is an accomplishment… I suppose… no, yes it is an accomplishment!

I am just not comfortable in my own skin yet. I feel really fat in my swimsuit. It triggers me and the fact that solid food is difficult to eat, isn’t helping my thoughts of running back to ana – gosh – I can’t believe I just said that, but it is true. I know how to be a good anorexic, but I also know how not to be. My teeth are hurting and it is almost impossible to chew food correctly, so this would be a perfect time to run back to her and have sick sex and become her master… despite how harmful it is to my body, at least it will give me some sense of control… rather than me just sitting here and rambling and feeling sorry for myself and avoiding my orthodontist’s office to get things fixed because I hate going in there right now, I am afraid to call and tell them I am having problems… I want to become a better patient.

Part of me wants to try getting in the pool again tonight, part of me doesn’t. The part that does knows it will get easier the more I try, the part that doesn’t just doesn’t want to have to face my ugly body out in a place I can’t control – where I can’t change my environment, except for myself.