One of my coworkers killed himself the week of Christmas holiday this past year. His funeral was the day after Christmas. He had worked at Relay for 6yrs, few people *knew him*, and before we all knew it… he was dead. He killed himself in his house, alone, at night. Notes were left so people would know what they were finding and how he died. He left “prepared”, if there ever is such a thing.
The last time I went to church was before Christmas, except for a Christmas Eve service elsewhere with another friend. I remember crying and crying and crying and crying… it didn’t make sense and well, it still doesn’t make sense. Suicide doesn’t make sense.
It was hard to go back today. My thoughts have been swarming. I have been nervous about going back… I stopped going to Celebrate Recovery in January because I wasn’t ready to move forward with the study. I still feel like I have burned bridges there, especially with people who I used to be friends with… I felt out of place and emotional today.
One of my friends who I still keep in touch with from Celebrate Recovery wasn’t there today. I went into the sactuary after Sunday School and couldn’t find her, so I stood in back looking around for a place to sit. Someone I didn’t expect came up to me and told me I could sit with her and her friends who were in town — this brought me to tears. I met her over a year ago and our relationship has been stretched with the “Celebrate Recovery stuff” and I knew she had friends in town, so I wasn’t initally going to sit with her (I couldn’t find the person I came with to sit with either!). When she offered, I knew it was the right and best place for me to sit. I feel safe sitting with her – not sure how else to put it.
It was communion Sunday too, urr… This makes me very uncomfortable and yet once again, I could not partake. I am just not in the place yet where I can. I’m not there yet. My faith is shaking like a world of earthquakes. I don’t feel worthy of taking communion.
I am glad I went today. Still very emotional from the experience. Saw many people I hadn’t seen in months. I wasn’t sure what to say or how to act or what to feel or to even cry. Church is a mixed up place for me.
I even told TWO of my friends from Celebrate Recovery I was going swimsuit shopping. Four months is a big deal!
Thank you RC, BC, KF, S, and the other people who knew I needed a hug and or just to be there – thank you for reminding me it is okay to be there because God is there and that God loves me.
