I haven’t mentioned this a whole lot lately. I don’t know why and I know why at the very same time. I am struggling a lot.
FOUR MONTHS have passed since I last cut myself and I have gone at least 2 months without burning. I have slipped a few times doing other things, but I am trying to focus on the positive behaviors. I also haven’t pulled out my hair in four months either, hehe, which is incredible!
My scars bother me. Somedays I want to know what can be done to correct them. I wonder if I would ever be a candidate for plastic surgery so I could turn each arm into one great big scar? I have scars on my upper arms, shoulders, breasts, legs, and other areas too. I think if my lower arms were done, it would probably become more obvious and I am not sure yet if I am ready to have my scars cut away from my body. I hate them, yet they remind me of where I have been and where I can go… because they are still with me, just like my shadow.
The weather is getting warmer and I am still in long sleeves, like always. I miss short sleeves and shorts. I miss being comfortable for the weather out in public. I don’t like having to wear extra smelly stuff just to cover my excessive sweating. YES – I don’t get burned in as many places, or grow as many freckles, or damage my skin in as many ways by doing this… but it doesn’t take away the discomfort of secrecy.
I decided I will get a swimsuit this year for the first time since high school. Right now, I can’t afford it. Right now, I am afraid to go outside in it. Right now, I am terrified of going into the store and trying one on! I still know I want and need to make the step of facing my fear of swimming in my scars. I will have to swim at night or early in the morning, but since I work nights – this is no problem. I don’t want others to see my scars, I just want to get used to me seeing my scars in a more public place.
I have been cleaning my apartment lately and have found “stuff”, lots and lots of blood stained items. They trigger me. They remind me of my painful past. I find them gross now to look at, yet intriguing. I can tell some of what I did to myself by the blood stains. I find bandaids in places they shouldn’t be (I always had to be prepared). I have found razor blades and other tools. Part of me just wants to burn them all and roll around in the ashes and scream “VICTORY!!” Another part of me wants to keep them around because I am not finished with them yet. They are part of my past – they are part of my history – they are part of who I am today. They don’t deserve to be on display, as I believe my scars have already taken on that role, but I am not totally ready to get rid of them either.
I still need help for my struggles. I still want to turn to self-injury and cutting and burning and bone bashing and hair pulling whenever I feel an intense emotion. I hate the feeling of knowing my first response is STILL leaning on self-injury.
My thoughts venture to hurting myself all throughout the day and night. I fight with my thoughts. I am tempted by my thoughts. Having “stuff” around only makes the stuggles more frightening because I know I can cave in, privately, and experience the sense of control self-injury gives me.
I will admit, my thoughts are all over the place. I dislike myself when my thoughts go places I haven’t given them permission to go.
I am struggling a lot with this right now, yesterday, and I am not sure about tomorrow. I dream and hope and wish and pray to not have to deal with it as intimately tomorrow as I have today.
