I’m just upset…

I’m just upset. I’m hurting and I’m upset and as much as I want people around, the more I want to be left alone to figure all of this out. Sleep deprivation isn’t helping any in my rationale either…

I’m upset about what happened with Jen and I’m feeling totally overwhelmed when I think about the last few months/ what has taken place. I’m very discouraged and feel out of control looking back on all of it. The shame hit me this morning and the loneliness of it all hit me again last night. I can’t, muchless have the time to sit down and work through all of this right now — but it creaps up and over me.

Maybe it is better that I’m left alone for a while. I can’t handle being around people. Isolating isn’t the answer either, I know… but this pain has to stop. If I isolate, I create less pain in others because I’m not around to inflict it.

I’m mad and I don’t know what to do. Whenever stress hits me, I try and revert back to who I was – I just don’t have the strength to stand firm in who I am becoming.

I’m still around – yes, I’m still around

I’ve resorted to posting private. I blog, faithfully blog, but where my thoughts can be held accountable. I blog where a close friend and I can write back and forth, writing together, and then using it has a place to talk where the spoken words don’t have to get in the way of things…

My life has changed so much since February:
- got 10 more stitches in my arm
- overnight hospitalization due to self-injury
- my baptism
- moved out of my apartment
- 2 new jobs
- going back to working overnights
- surrendered my gun to my sponsor
- was evicted from my apartment
- ran a 5k
- found a new place to live
- my grandmother and I have fought countless times
- survived Mother’s Day
- have allowed some women to take on the role of “mother” to me

I’m here, I’m writing, I read when I can – but I’m trying to make it.

I’m fucking pissed off

I couldn’t give K. my tools today. I needed to talk with her first and that wasn’t possible, so I took my tools home AGAIN. I need to get rid of my tools desperately, but I need to talk about what I’m doing to help myself process it all.

Fuck recovery. I can’t do this… I can’t handle my feelings. I hate feelings! There is no safe place to feel, so I’m going to cut – fuck it! Cut, binge, purge, and cut more.

Rough around the edges

I’m in a bad mood today. I woke up feeling dread and for some reason could not shake it, even at church. I sat and cried.

I was supposed to give my sponsor my self-injury tools this morning. I brought them with me and then didn’t have the courage to approach her after church and give them to her. I wasn’t outwardly avoiding her, yet I wasn’t exactly being assertive about the whole situation either. I promised her, myself, and God that I would give her my tools — but I don’t feel ready. I cannot begin to describe the feeling of sitting next to razor blades and a knife at church… it makes me shiver.

Today I have struggled with feelings of self-worth. I want to punish myself. I want to cut myself not to cope, but to punish myself for things I’ve done wrong.

I sat in fear all morning that if someone touched me that I would break down into tears. I didn’t want to be hugged or touched at all – I wouldn’t even shake hands with people. I sat by myself and cried today.

Conversation will take place when I hand over my tools. I’m not ready for conversation just yet. I knew I would cry and maybe not even stop crying if I tried to give the tools to my sponsor today. I felt dirty for carrying them with me to church. I’m not ready to give them up just yet, despite how much I know I need to give them up. I’m still fighting and I’m not ready to surrender everything.

Hell and earth and somewhere between

I’m home on break, well… for the last half of my break. I was stupid and ate something with a high concentration of corn syrup, so my allergies and stomach will kill me for the rest of my shift — I really need to start learning…

Anyhow, this last week has been hard in so many ways. I’m feeling overwhelmed as I type and I’m nausated from what I ate. I’m in a good mood today, just starting to feel drained.

This week has been hard because I’ve worked hard and failed and then made a little progress at the end.

I don’t want to talk right now.

Distance

I need distance right now. I’m in a “freak out mode” and I’m feeling myself lock up within my skin. I’m not able to respond to what my sponsor has posted in response to things I have posted… and I don’t feel as though I can write to her about what is going through my head. I don’t want to burden her and I don’t know if being completely and utterly honest right now is what needs to happen — so I’m slightly running away this week and hoping she doesn’t notice.

This week is really hard because of some stuff that happened a year ago, stuff she doesn’t know about… and stuff I’m not totally ready to share with her yet… and stuff that would probably freak her out, not to mention freak me out if I were to try and talk about — as it is all selfish crap and sad crap and loads of other crap.

I’m struggling with boundaries.

I’m urging like crazy and I’m in the mindset of just cutting it all out. I am in the mindset of cutting and not telling her or anyone else for a while. I want to go back into my little cove and hide and pretend everything is fine. I used to be able to handle living and self-injury at the same time and could reasonably function. I know how to cut and not need stitches. I know how to cut and not need attention. I know how to cut and not tell anyone. I know how to go back to being invisible and just “existing”… and I’m so close to just doing that and saying FUCK IT to the consequences. I’m not strong enough for recovery and I don’t want to pretend I am. I don’t want to have to turn to self-injury, but I can’t just sit and stew with my feelings and emotions and thoughts and realities.

AA is helping yes, but I’m not strong enough and part of me is just thinking I need to be thrown in some mental hospital and tied down for a while.

My sponsor will leave me this time because I will push her away… and give her more than what she can handle. I’m angry.

Rather perplexed today

It’s been a rough day… Talked with my sponsor a lit at church today and it helped, but praying helped even more. She called me out on my garbage, like always, and so at least we have something to talk about tomorrow – haha!!

I’m not in a good place right now. I’m juggling life with death and I feel depleted and I have to head into work in less than an hour.